www.nurburgring.org.uk | Winning friends & influencing people

Chris Rae and Kees explain how to win friends and influence people when making your first post to the Ringers forum ...

Chris outlines posts 1 to 5, Kees explains posts 7 to 10, nobody knows why there are two post 5s and no post 6.

Post 1: "The claim"

Hello everyone! I did
[6]
[7]
[8]
minutes around the ring,
[on my first lap]
[on my first day]
[before I crashed]
[after two pints]
and I'm wondering whether this is
[any good]
[a world record]
[impossible]

Post 2: "The welcome"

Hi!
Welcome to the list. That sounds an extraordinary lap time -
[what car were you driving?]
[what exactly are you timing?]
[are you a racer?]
[are you a liar?]

Post 3: "The detail"

Hello - to clarify, I was driving a standard spec [car name here] on street tyres.
I have been to the ring
[once]
[twice]
[for a year, in Gran Turismo]
so this is a good lap time, huh?

Post 4: "The denial"

Hello. Yes, that certainly seems like a very good lap time - if it's right then you're faster than
[the ring taxi]
[Horst von Saurma]
[HJ Stuck]
[Stefan Roser]
[Dirk Schoysman]
[Stefan Bellof]
[Ross in a rental]
perhaps you
[made a mistake timing it]
[don't have a standard spec car]
[were on racing tyres]
[were on Toyo Proxes]
[are one of those people]
[are a lying tart]

Post 5: "The proof"

Nope, it's definitely true. My lap was timed by
[the video I took]
[Autosport]
[Dirk Schoysman]
[Stefan Bellof]
[Ross, who's on crutches right now]
it was so fast that I
[overtook the ring taxi]
[locked up going into Aremberg]
[went flat out past the Breidscheid exit]
[went flat out past some marshals at an accident]
[went flat out as soon as the barrier went up]
[didn't lift through Fuchsrohre]
[took off at Quiddelbacher Hohe]
[took off at PF2]
[almost lost it at Schwedenkreuz]
[almost hit a bike]
[dropped oil everywhere]

Post 5: "The refute"

Okay, you do appear to have a genuine lap time, but
[you sound like you must have been driving like an arse]
[you were driving like an arse on the video]
[it's illegal to time laps]
[you're not allowed to video]
[you're an arse on some other message board]
[you did it on Touristfahren so it's not a lap record]
[you're a danger to society]
[you're well beyond your limits]
[you have stupid hair]

Post 7 "The refute refute"

You people
[don't know what you're talking about]
[are slow]
[are boring]
[have never met an excellent driver like me]
[have crap cars]
and by the way
[you don't own the Nordschleife]
[I met an experienced well-known driver who drove exactly like me and
he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Are you insulting him too
by any chance?]
[I'm the fastest driver I know]
[my car is very special]
[I've always been an excellent driver all my life]
[you people are just jealous]
[I always drive safely well within my limits. It's just the other slow
drivers out there that are dangerous].

By the way did I mention I:
[overtook the ring taxi]
[locked up going into Aremberg]
[went flat out past the Breidscheid exit]
[went flat out past some marshals at an accident]
[went flat out as soon as the barrier went up]
[didn't lift through Fuchsrohre]
[took off at Quiddelbacher Hohe]
[took off at PF2]
[almost lost it at Schwedenkreuz]
[almost hit a bike]
[dropped oil everywhere]

Post 8 "Closure"

Well - I certainly hope:
[I never meet you on track]
[you don't crash too heavily]
[you don't crash into me whilst you're crashing heavily]
[you don't crash into anyone I know whilst you're crashing heavily]
[you grow up]
[are banned from the Nordschleife forever by the marshalls on your
very next lap]
[learn to respect the Nordschleife and Touristenfahrten for what they are]

Post 9 "Farewell"

As I expected you people have problems accepting me because:
[you're jealous of my excellent driving]
[you're jealous of my special car]
[you're jealous of my wonderful taste in vehicles, stunning good looks
and sparkling conversational skills]
It's ok and I forgive you from the kindness of my heart, because:
[greatness is never appreciated by contemperaries]
[I am a better person than you lot will ever be.]
[although I've only been there once - only I understand the
Nordschleife for what it truly is]

Post 10 "Back to our regular broadcasting schedule"

Phew - we really told him. What a
[moron]
[idiot]
[dangerous driver]
[inconsiderate person]

I'm really getting tired of this growing crowd of
[English}
[German]
[Italian]
[French]
[Dutch]
drivers, who is spoiling it for all us by:
[driving really obnoxiously]
[breaking the video ban rules]
[having no clue about the Nordschleife and the history of the place]
[having no sense about life in general]

It's all the fault of
[Jeremy Clarkson]
[Karl]
[Playstation]
[the media]
[all you irresponsible under-50-year-olds. Everything - including
Touristenfahrten - was much better/safer/faster 10/20/30/40 years ago]

Karl, could you please:
[wake up - it's time to go to the pub]
[quit posting on Scoobynet and go to the pub]
[tell us about the Lamborghini/Ferrari/GT3 you passed yesterday
evening whilst doing 255km/h in Fuchsrohre/Schwedenkreuz/Hohe Acht/the
carpark]
[tell us why you're sporting a black eye and what you did last night
to tick off Brendan in the pub]

 
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